“Ashley, I know this is silly, you know this is silly, but sometimes you just gotta play the damn game…”
When I was early in my career, like many young people, I didn’t like to rock the boat too much. I listened intently to those around me, stayed quiet in meetings and knew I had to pay my dues until I reached a certain point in my career.
As I began to climb the ladder, my confidence overtook me and turned into a kind of volatility. I became much more dominant because that’s what I thought it took to survive in corporate America. If what you say doesn’t make sense, I’d make sure to let you know that I know (and subsequently everyone else in the room). I’m ashamed to admit, but at that time in my career, I made a few people cry with my unapologetic directness. “It’s not personal, it’s just business” became my mantra.
Then, four years ago, a conversation shifted my perspective. I was asked to provide feedback for a promotion candidate. The form had two sections: strengths and areas for opportunity. I filled in the strengths—believing the candidate was ready—and left the other area blank. A few days later, their manager called me:
“I noticed you left a section in the documentation blank. Can you fill it in?
“Well, I don’t see any areas of opportunity, so no.”
“I need it for his promo doc, so I’d really appreciate it if you fill it in.”
“No, that’s just silly! I’ve worked with him for a few years and I don’t see a reason not to promote him.”
“Ashley, I know this is silly, you know this is silly, but sometimes you just gotta play the damn game, and this is how we get him promoted.”
My whole mid-level career thus far had been about sticking it to the man: pointing out injustices and being vocal about my disagreement. But in this moment, I realized that this approach had not served me well. My passion for my work had gotten me far, but how much farther would I be if I followed the rules until I could change the rules?
Since that exchange, I’ve learned the power of calm and making others comfortable. For better or worse, people like being around others who make them feel comfortable. To some, “comfortable” means not challenging status quo in a way that’s obvious. Do I challenge it? Yes. But I let people come to their own conclusions now versus the “this is so stupid!” approach.
To others, “comfortable” means being a calm presence to them. My calmness has brought me a long way in the last couple of years. My recent performance reviews typically point to how calm and collected I am, which is a 180 from years’ past.
Looking back, I don’t regret my passion—I just wish I had learned sooner that influence isn’t always about being the one who points out the obvious. It’s about nuance….and the biggest lesson? You don’t have to fight every battle to win the war. Play the game strategically, and change the rules when you have the power to do so.
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